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"Deciding to become a mother is welcoming a personal transformation on every level. This bravery is not acknowledged enough." - Unknown
It’s been 2 years since I entered this crazy, life altering and often challenging chapter called motherhood. I won’t sugar coat it, becoming a mother was both who I was meant to be, but also deeply triggered me. I wanted to share some parts of my healing journey with you. I want to be as vulnerable and open as possible so that if a part of my story even slightly resonates with you, we will not feel so isolated.
Throughout my pregnancy, I felt so prepared for what lay ahead. I had read all the books, listened to 100 birth stories, talked to midwives, OBGYN’s and even thought I’d write a book on pregnancy. My birthing experience I felt, was empowered and the first words after my son came were “I want to do that again”. I know, this is not the typical story and painful reality of many women’s birthing stories. I do acknowledge my privilege in having access to medical aid, choice of healthcare providers and and and…
After the first month postpartum, I was in the deepest darkest depths of confusion, exhaustion anger, and sometimes, rage. My son cried 8-10 hours of the day and night. He would not let me stop walking and moving, he would not let me put him down. Not. For. A. Second.
No amount of colic remedies, essential oils, bath salts, baby massage, infant Chiro or physio would stop him crying. I started spiralling with the online information that my baby had some health issue or his nature was very ‘fussy’ as they say. I asked myself everyday, “What age will this be easier? When will my son be easier?”
And for not even a single moment did I think about how my anxiety could play a role on my babies response to the world, or on my own motherhood journey.
Did you know that medical studies show that a mothers level of stress can affect the neurochemistry of a foetus and shapes their nervous system. This means that when you are pregnant, your bodies reaction to stress shapes how your baby will interpret and react to their environment as they develop. It even influences their endocrine, immune, and vascular systems.
Not only do we have an influence on our babies when they are developing inside of us, but we also change our babies perception of threat through our breastmilk. Your own stress hormones, (cortisol) can be passed to your baby through breast milk. Research shows higher levels of cortisol in breastmilk have an influence on how fussy your baby is.
It took me two years to figure this out. Two years of buying the soothing sleeping gadgets. Two years of believing my baby was just born more ‘difficult’ than the others.
My biggest lesson from this is that I had neglected to look myself in the eyes and face my own traumas. I had not done the work on myself for so long that my fear and anxiety was running my life and my perception of what I was experiencing. It has taken me two years but I am starting to find my way and heal my own heart.
So, mama, when does motherhood get easier? When you learn to love and heal yourself. That’s when it starts to feel really good. That’s where the magic happens.
I invite you to email me back at myboombra@gmail.com and share your journey and learnings along the way. I’d love to learn from your experiences too.
All my love,
Michaella
