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Giving birth is a moment in time we as mothers will carry with us forever. Irrespective of the mode of delivery, chances are every detail of the day will stay permanently etched in our memories.
Birth is mindblowing and miraculous and trying to describe the immensity of it by using plain and acceptable language is an impossible task. For the most part, the physiology of birth is taken for granted because yes, this is just what we women are built to do. But how awesome is it that if a baby is born under water she will only take her first breath when her skin surface comes into contact with air. Or if you place a newborn on her mother’s abdomen right after birth, she will crawl unassisted all the way up to her mothers breast. Oh and then there is the part of growing a human from scratch, but that is a story for another day.
We also know that birth is unpredictable. We can do all the courses, rent the pool, install the sling, make the diy padsicles, do the kegels and put up the affirmations but no amount of preparing can guarantee the outcome we wished for.
When it doesn’t go the way we envisioned or dreamed of, there is no space for our feelings because we keep being told to be grateful that we have a healthy baby. Cue one of the earliest triggers for mom guilt because now we have a beautiful, healthy, wonderful baby but we can’t help but feel [insert feeling here].
Not to mention when we actually experience the birth of our dreams. How can we possibly have any negative or complicated feelings about that?
Hear me loud and clear, there is nothing wrong with us. What is wrong is that the societal message ‘healthy mom and baby’ has somehow become the benchmark and not the baseline. Yes, a healthy mom and baby is a good outcome, but by ‘healthy’ we are only addressing physical health. How is a physically healthy mom, intensely traumatized by her birth experience a good outcome? It’s not. Not for the mom, and definitely not for the baby either.
Birth is a very intense experience. All types of delivery, even in the absence of trauma, can feel traumatic. Our bodies take a beating, our hearts are blown open, and life as we know it is forever changed in an instant. We do not have to defend the vastness of our experience to anyone.
Sometimes however, trauma is very much part of the story. ‘Obstetric violence is any action or omission directed at women during prenatal care, childbirth or the puerperium, which causes unnecessary pain, harm or suffering to the woman, practiced without her explicit consent or in disrespect to her autonomy.’*
An episiotomy performed without consent. The nurse squeezing your breast to ‘help’ with breastfeeding. Being coerced into a caesarian section using fear tactics.
What matters is how YOU experienced your birth, not what others think you should feel about it.
What matters is taking time to sit with how you feel about it, not spending hours trying to get the perfect newborn shot.
What matters is feeling deeply supported in those early days, not bouncing back as quickly as possible.
There is no bouncing back, just forging ahead on this new path of motherhood. Listen to your intuition. Trust your gut. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re silly for feeling whatever you are feeling about your birth. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for feeling whatever you are feeling about your birth. Don’t brush whatever you are feeling about your birth under the carpet. This is your story. How you feel about it matters. The right people will listen, Find them.
If you've experienced birth trauma and haven't been able to process your birth, please reach out to Birth Reflections coach Yvandi Bartman. She is a trained doula and birth processing coach who aims to support women with their mental and emotional wellbeing postpartum.
Email mybirthreflections@gmail.com or Whatsapp 0722132510 to get in touch.
*https://www.scielo.br/j/rbsmi/a/RDwVm7ZV3DksbRBsKLBwXjw/#:~:text=Obstetric%20violence%20is%20any%20action,5
