I’m a WFH mother and I quit!

Its 5.23am in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4am. In the early months of having my son, this would have been a dream night – 6hours of uninterrupted sleep!!!

As I sit here in the dark, I think about all the working mothers in a similar boat to me and I wonder, “why do we do this to ourselves?” Sleep deprivation is one of the leading causes of depression and can have a profound impact on our immune systems. As it is well known, having a baby is a sure way to get you there! So, why do we try so hard to get back to work and function as we did during our ‘no-kids’ phase?

I’ve got a bit of a bone to pick with the hardcore ideals of feminism. I think we may have taken the feminist movement a little too far where we have ignored the fact that, yes we should have the choice to do everything and anything a man can, but that is not the standard of success. Yes, we should break down gender roles and reevaluate them, but we cannot put so much emphasis on career and ignore other facets of our lives such as parenthood.

I believe that we have gone from judging women who work too much as ‘neglectful mothers’ to judging mothers who choose not to go the corporate route as ‘lazy’ or ‘uninspired’. Just ask a stay-at-home-mother what she does and you’ll see her defence up in a second. We’ll I’m here to show another perspective of the ‘lazy stay-at-home-mom’.

The ugly truth of being a ‘Super Mom’

You just have to Google ‘What is a super-mom?’ and already the pressure to be everything to everyone is on…

Who is a super mom?

Definition of supermom: an exemplary mother also : a woman who performs the traditional duties of housekeeping and child-rearing while also having a full-time job.

Now this is nothing to celebrate or reward. Doing it all comes at a cost and more often than not, it’s our children who bear the brunt. The reality of maintaining your performance in a job, while meeting all of your children's needs (even just basic needs) is almost impossible. To illustrate my point, I’ll show you my typical day as a WFH mother to an under 1 year old (note: some of my friends have it way harder working at an office, with 2 kids, twins or even an absent father!).

• Night wakings with my son at 12am & 2am - struggle to fall back to sleep because I haven’t paid the garden service and wonder how the marketing campaign is performing at work
• 4.30/5am wake up and breastfeed (if I’m really lucky) while I go through the mental checklist of all the work I didn’t get to the day before
• Play with my son until 7am and time to cook breakfast while he hangs on my legs and shouts ‘up!’ until I give in and cook with 1 free hand
• Clean up after breakfast and change his nappy and clothes while he squirms and kicks, making it feel like a 20minute wrestling match
• Check Teams on my phone because I forgot to reply to someone or just anxious about the day ahead (While I’m sitting on the floor drinking my cold coffee)
• Put my son down for his morning nap at 8.30am and hand over to the nanny while I rush upstairs to shower and get dressed for the day
• Start work at 9am and start getting into a task…oh shit I have a meeting…3pm arrives in a flash!
• I don’t work full-days so I’m lucky enough to spend time with my son in the afternoons in between grocery shopping, cooking dinner and attending baby play groups.
• 5.30pm bath time
• 6pm bedtime story and to sleep by 6.30pm
• Now to get dinner ready for me and my husband
• We have a bit of alone time but mostly go back to our laptops to finish off work
• 9pm we try to go to sleep because we are so afraid we will be woken up at all hours of the morning and not function the next day.

I have chosen to omit my breastfeeding routine and pumping schedule because I’ll write a book if I even get started. This world is not a forgiving place for a breastfeeding mother let me just say that!

Like I said, I’m not bragging here and not looking for a pat on the back. This is not a sustainable life us mothers are living. This road led me to seeking help for postnatal depression, general anxiety, desperation and eventually quitting my corporate job. I even cried on the Zoom call with my CEO and MD when I gave my 1 months notice.

I had been underperforming for a while and clawing at my objectives that were escaping my grip each week. I started to hate myself and believe that I was just not skilled enough/good enough at my job. How could all the other working moms do this? Turns out they feel much the same as I did, but chose to push through.

A love note to all mothers

So to the stay-at-home mother or the mother who also decided to hand their briefcase in, I see you and I understand you. When they say being a mother is a full-time-job, we forget about the fatigue that comes with sleep deprivation, the juggling between kids and keeping everyone cared for, loved and fed. The sick days and the sore days. The hours of rocking our children to sleep. The innate urge to want to be close to our children and show them the world. And you know what, I think you are the super-mom. You chose to stop splitting yourself in 1000 pieces and be a little bit to everyone. I get it now.

Unfortunately, we do not live in a society where it is feasible for every woman to take a prolonged maternity leave, stop working or even work flexibly to balance life with children. We are faced with a bad choice and a worse choice and we have to decide on the sacrifices we’re willing to take.

So, if you’re ‘pre-kids’ or ‘no-kids’, please be patient and empathetic to your colleague who just came back from maternity leave, please ask her about her baby and how she is coping, please cheer her on, she is desperately longing to be with her children and feels guilty for not being there.

And for those who are still not convinced that being a stay-at-home mom is a job in itself, ask your mothers, sisters and friends how they balance their work and kids – I’m almost certain you will get the same answer…THEY’RE NOT!